The year 2023 has been full of surprises. My birthday this year was almost spent in the hospital and it was not an easy terrain to navigate, at the time. So, yes, it has been a year of precious lessons that taught me to surrender to the Divine Mother. I am still learning to take the baby steps, falling and getting up again while the Divine Mother watches.
[Read: Kalyanam Celebrations, Temple Visits and Sarpakaavu]
The rollercoaster of anxiety that gripped me this year paved the way for understanding the need to transcend the trappings of my egoistic mind. The story of hidden trauma is another tale to tell, a mapping of pain and agony, only the doctors can probe and share their clinical spells.
Chaitanya Mahaprabhu once asked Ramananda Raya, "What is the greatest suffering that anyone can undergo in this world?"
He replied, "The suffering of a pure devotee from being separated from another pure devotee or the separation pangs of a pure devotee bereft of the Lord's proximity is the most excruciating suffering there is."
When the external world you rely on crumbles in the face of your suffering, the only people who stand by you are those for whom the Divine Name is their sole refuge and strength. Not your Twitter or FB friends, or your kith and kin, or anyone you assume would rush to your side, the ones who truly care are usually the ones you least expect to hear from.
Echoing Swami Sivananda's wise words, "Fewer the thoughts, greater the peace," I learned to find my anchor amidst the din and speculations that revealed to me how another's pain becomes a food of joy and a topic of discussion and even speculation for others. Fact of life - the same folks who do this do face their punishments more severely as karma spares none.
Swami says, "The 'griha' (home) where the name of the Lord is not heard is a 'guha' (cave) and nothing more. As you enter it, as you leave it, while you are in it, perfume it, illumine it, purify it with the Name. Light it as a lamp at dusk, welcome it at dawn, as you welcome the sun. That is genuine Deepavali, the Festival of Lamps."
In that sense, every day of this year as been a genuine Deepavali for me.
From spending every morning and evening in front of the Devatas to crying and sharing my day's ups and downs with them, I learned to let go of everything else that stems from the external world.
I learned to trust in the Devatas and in Agni's fiery language as we connected with each other over the lustrous glow of the fully lit Nilavilakku, the traditional lamp in our home.
Every day, I would tell the Devatas about my day and they would listen, rapt in their attention and with thei in our family relationships that are outward projections of other people's biases and subjectivity.
This is what the wise ones always warned you about through the Ramayana and the Mahabharata - to trust only in the Divine and to follow the path of Dharma when you are tested the most.
Few friends (true treasures!) stood with me, urging me to go on with confidence when I was tested the most - love you, all! Thank you for being there for me when it mattered. You know who you are - much gratitude.
The Divine Mother, in all her splendour as Devi Mookambika and Azhakiyakavu Amma, has been my protection and my divine refuge throughout the year.
Her gaze, resplendent with love, has been my courage and her protective, ferocious stance is my armour always.
Love you, Amma!
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