Being Single in India: Why so much fuss and prejudice?

I read this thought provoking post by Suruchi Sharma and she packs in some salient points for ‘single women’ in India such as the typical question “What are your marriage plans?”

Single in India: The dreaded "What are your marriage plans" question

Marriage isn't something to rush into. It is more important than any other decision in your entire life. Sadly, few people think about why they want to marry X, Y or Z. 

That reminds me of an incident that took place in front of me. A well-spoken, highly educated young lawyer friend was booking a three bedroom flat. He was trying to convince the builder that he will pay the entire money (in lakhs) in less than a year. The builder wasn't convinced that a lawyer who had just started his career could do that. Exasperated, the lawyer said, "Of course I will. The day I get married, you can consider that the payment will be complete." The builder was impressed and convinced. The rest is history. 

Marriages in India: Problems that arise and why

Marriage is fast becoming a transaction and I am not saying this in general. I have seen divorces turn into ugly legal battles that too among close friends. I am seeing it all around me. But why is this happening? 

One reason is that we aren't honest with ourselves about our priorities in life and why we want to get married in the first place. We don't give ourselves the opportunity to reflect on what we want to accomplish in a marriage - not everyone marries for love, let's be clear about how it is in the Indian society. Love is placed at the bottom of the marriage ranking order.

Here’s what many girls have told me when I have asked them:

1.     When parents decide [10/10 – the ideal, suffering child – can anyone find fault here? Nope!]

2.     When a good match comes up [6/10 – not sure if this is about an individual or owning a fireworks company]

3.    When horoscopes match [6/10 – if you believe in the science of planets than your gut feel combined with some common sense, you need to rethink]

Lets come back to Suruchi Sharma's argument that the Indian society pressurizes girls to accept arranged marriage as a woman’s ultimate destiny. Once the girl’s family makes the decision to find a ‘respectable, nice family partner,’ she is pressurized from then to somehow fit in and learn to be a ‘good daughter-in-law.’ Whether it is an arranged or love marriage, the next dilemma is about living up to the expectations of the new family. Read Chetan Bhagat's 2 States if you aren't convinced. Good luck, folks!

Okay, lets cut the sarcasm and get to the point, shall we?

What about a girl as an individual? What about her aspirations, her goals, her happiness? I doubt if she has a say in any of this. But see the brighter side: she gets to choose her gold jewellery and wedding trousseau. Isn't that terrific? Depends on how you look at it. Personally, nothing would horrify me more than the fact that all I need to focus on is the jewellery and not have a say in whom I marry or choose not to marry.

The Big, Fat Indian Marriage: Why so much fuss?

In many well-to-do, ‘educated’ Indian families, hell breaks loose by the time a girl is eighteen years old, particularly so in ‘educated, literate, civilized Kerala. Parents begin to run helter skelter as though the girl has crossed thirty instead of eighteen.

Why so much fuss over a girl’s marriage? 

There are hundreds of ‘excuses’ that Indian parents will have for their ‘marriage’ obsession.  Here are some commonly cited reasons:

1.     The matching of horoscopes can take months and somewhat years. Result? The family astrologer has more say in when a girl should marry than the girl herself.

2.     The older a girl, the more difficult it is to find a suitable marriage partner in India.

3.     Adjustment problems tend to crop up when a girl is older. She becomes more vocal and set in her ways.

4.     Fertility and biological cycle – this one grand excuse is enough to set the alarm bells ringing for the parents of a girl.

5.     The earlier a girl is sent to her in-laws home, the better for the parents so that they no longer have to worry financially about the rising marriage expenses, not to mention gifts to be given, the dowry and the gold……well, aren’t you already feeling jittery whether or not you are a parent?

6.  The worst and most obvious reason is this – a single girl sends out an unspoken message to the society that allows everyone including the domestic help to wonder aloud about her ‘viriginity,’ ‘respectablity’ and decide whether she is of ‘loose morals.’

Being Single in India: Why is it so tough to take that decision?

In the midst all the confusion, a question remains – why do girls cave in to parental pressure when they are totally unsure? What fears do they have that they don’t have the confidence to stand up and say ‘No’ to the parents? 

Wait. I am not saying marrying a stranger is a bad thing or a social crime. It has worked well for generations in India. It worked well for my grandparents and parents but does that guarantee it will work for me? Is it like a constitutional law that cannot be easily amended? In India, I am afraid it is somewhat the case. 

Again, the question is - what exactly are we propagating? A family system that has no democracy in it - because you don't have  a say in your own life's most important occasion/event/drama?

At the end of your life, you alone will experience the reality of the decisions taken. You alone will be responsible for the way everything has been mapped out – not the family, not the astrologer or  the marriage broker.

It’s your life. The question is – Do you want to let others screw up your happiness? Are you ready to take some responsibility for your life instead of being spoon-fed?

Tough to decide if you haven't soul-searched before. It's a good time to start thinking and asking yourself: "Do I want to marry or stay single? Whatever I feel right now, what is the real reason in shaping my decision? Ami trying to please others or do I feel this way is the right one for me from my gut?" 

To stay single or not is a very personal decision, one that is related to your sense of happiness in life or at least leading towards it. So, how do you view a decision like that particularly if it is from some one from your family or some one you are close to?