Skip to main content

My Sun is my Light

Time rolls by. Hard to believe that the tiny baby I held within me and got relentlessly kicked by through nights during the last trimester of my pregnancy - he is now 8 years old. The only thing that hasn't changed is my constant worries hovering around him and his constant kicking - it doesn't end:)  


When I think of that beautiful morning when he was born, two little things leap to my mind. One, the fragrance of Shiva Ranjani (associated with Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba) filled the room next to the Labour Room where I lay. I was holding my father's hand (he is a doctor in the same hospital and that allowed him to be with me till I was taken in) and both of us inhaled the fragrance. 


My father asked the nurses where the fragrance was coming from and they said it is odd because the hospital does not allow incense sticks to be lit because it causes allergies in many pregnant women. She and a couple of other nurses searched nearby rooms to check if anyone had lit incense sticks and they came back saying they couldn't find anything. I felt that it was my Guru's love coming my way, divinely protecting me as His promise to me is this "You are my Daughter. I shall protect you always as the eyelids protect the eyes.


The second thing that I remember most is when I saw Adi's face looming close to mine, within minutes after the umblical cord was cut. I looked into his eyes and I felt an explosion of vast, ocean-like love that I have never felt towards anything or anyone before. That love is difficult to describe. It felt like light, golden, beautiful dappled light that had lit me from within. It felt like the Sun's glorious touch.

And then the doctor said, "Little Prince, give your mom a kiss." I felt the kiss and the tears that were flowing from my eyes. Thereafter I slipped into a void for nearly 12 hours and remembered nothing except a rosy cheeked baby looking sleepily into my eyes. It felt as though I was looking into myself. A strange feeling that still leaves me awe struck.

Now coming back to this March 14th, we placed this cake in our puja room in the morning and the birthday boy cut the cake, offered the first slice to God and then to parents. Within minutes, the school bus had come and he trotted off to school in excitement. The reason for excitement is the box of chocolates he intended to distribute in his class. 




The next evening, Adi had a small cake cutting party with a bunch of friends. He had a themed cars cake and it was as delicious as the first cake shown above.  The only difference is that the first cake had butterscotch and vanilla flavor whereas the car cake had strawberry and vanilla flavor. Everyone seemed to love the cake. There was lots of fun, laughter, cake smearing and it was just beautiful to watch my little boy bask in so much love.








Adi had wanted my parents to be there for his 8th birthday but they had been with us in the month of February and had to go back before his birthday. A couple of times, Adi asked me, "Can't Appa (that's what he calls my dad) stay for my birthday? I wish he and Mummy (my mom) are there for my birthday." 


I told him, "Talk to Appa directly about how you feel." 


Adi's response surprised me a lot. He said, "Appa has booked his return tickets a month ago. If I say this to him, he will feel forced to change his tickets and that will cost him more money. I don't want Appa to waste money because of me. So, we won't tell Appa that I want him to stay." 


This touched me a lot for two selfish reasons. One, he understands the value of money and how hard my father works even at this age to earn it. Second, he isn't thinking about his pain, he is prioritizing his grandfather's convenience first. To me, it was an eye-opener. My little boy, whom I sing songs to and gently rock to sleep and hold close in a perpetual half-embrace even in deep sleep, he is growing into a fine human being who cares genuinely about people. 


A smart mother would probably not let this happen - may teach him to be more practical with a trick or two to place his needs first and that of others second. After all, it is all about survival of the fittest in hard, competitive world. 


But then, I am not a smart mother. I am happy to see my son imbibing the same values that I hold close to my heart. So yes, we celebrated alone. 


The special touch of love came from a surprise gift box. This thrilled Adi when he received it on his birthday - it was a lovely box of knick knacks, games and gifts for him including a little tub of strawberry shaped erasers that smelled delicious enough to eat. Adi LOVED it.  


Then, while using the first eraser, he said another thing that deeply touched my heart, "Appa has a thinking mind. When he buys anything for me, he thinks about how I can use it. Everything Appa buys for me is with a thinking mind." 


Sometimes I find it so hard to believe how fast he's growing up. He is all I have, closer than my heartbeat, and yet so difficult to fathom. It's a matter of time before he breaks free of my embrace and finds a way to soar from home.  And when that happens, my heart says that my home will cease to be what it is. Nope, I don't even want to think about it. As I read recently in Nadeem Aslam's brilliant novel The Blind Man's Garden, "Love is not consolation, it is Light.


And no matter where he is, my Sun is my Light. 

Comments

Sangeeta Reghu said…
A lovely heartwarming post ... happy birthday Adi
Mélange said…
Happy B'Day Adi.Heartfelt Swapna.I don't have anything to say.I can't control often thinking how my daughter grows to be a 'girl' and how I am going to miss those gentle cuddles we have filled our lives with.Believe me,we both shed lots of tears hearing 'where are you going my little one'(Turn around) of Nanci Griffith..She,in fact,consoles me saying I will be your 'child' always...Enjoy and celebrate motherhood Swapna..that's the only way possible there !
Hugs to 'thoughtful' Adi !
Asha said…
Awww.....an endearing post, Swapna. Had a lump in my throat as i read the mom's love that shone through the post. You have beautifully described your feelings.

As far Adi, Be assured he will grow up to be a fine human being like his mom. and stop worrying about him, he is God is around him to take care of him.

Convey my belated wishes to the little one and stay blessed.
Asha said…
*He has god around him to take care of him.
@Sangeetha: Thanks so much for the wishes.

@Melange: Awww, it's really heart warming to read about your bonding with your daughter. Guess we all feel the same way as our kids are growing up, right? Thanks so much for the love and wishes.

@Asha: I felt that I had probably gone overboard with this post - it was an emotional post and I wasn't sure I should post it in the first place. But then I feel happy to know you liked it and could connect to it...the key learning and inspiration from your comment: God is there to take care of him - that makes me so happy to read. I felt as though God is sending me an affirmation of my beliefs through a beautiful, divine soul like you. Thanks again, Asha! Your words always leave me with positive energy.

Most Popular Posts

The Ugly Truth about Caste in Kerala

This post on Kerala's caste system has not been written with an intention to ridicule or glorify any caste as such. I do not ever judge or like to be judged on the basis of my caste. I do not support any form of caste discrimination because I know exactly how it feels to be treated differently because of one's caste. It isn't a great feeling.  

First Question is always "What is your Caste?" In Kerala, one of the first things you are bound to be asked by even new people you've just met is, "What is your caste?"  This is not a tirade against any caste but my experience, personally. And just for information, I have never used my caste name 'Menon' to this day. That is something I have learned from my father - who has never used 'Menon' in his name because he believes his destiny is shaped by values, vision and actions, not  by his caste.
As some one who is a Menon by birth, I can also tell you frankly that it often feels like a curse to be…

Mahamrityunjaya Mantra: Meaning, Benefit of Chanting and Who can Chant the Mantra

There are very few mantras that are as powerful as the Maha Mrityunjaya Mantra. [ALSO READ: How to NEVER EVER GIVE UP on the spiritual path]

Mahamrityunjaya Mantra: Benefit of chanting this mantra
This mantra is believed to have the power to remove all sufferings, diseases and bestow the one who chants it with good health and long life. It is also believed that constant contemplation of the Maha Mrityunjaya Mantra can help spiritual aspirants to overcome the cycle of birth and death.
What got me fascinated about this mantra is something personal.  I learned this mantra from my father but it is my maternal grandmother who chanted it all the time and repeatedly told me of its tremendous power to protect. However, I did not chant this mantra regularly. 
But at the age of two, my son was taught some mantras by my mother who explained what it means to him and he became very enthusiastic about chanting the mantras. Following this, my mother taught him the Maha Mrityunjaya Mantra and he took to …

Amazing Signs You are an Earth Angel

Doreen Virtue’s book, “Assertiveness for Earth Angels” brings to life the reality of Earth Angels in very easy way. It’s an exciting must-read! [ALSO READ: How to NEVER EVER GIVE UP on the spiritual path]

Earth Angels have amazing super powers in: MusicArtsWriting HealingManifesting miracles for others such as controlling weather conditions &  becoming invisible at will
DO READ: ASK MORE, FEAR LESS.

How to Identify Earth Angels by their Traits
To know whether you are an Earth Angel, take a look at their known traits that are explained in this book:


You have a graceful and compassionate aura that inspires people.Your presence “lifts” everyone to happier spirits – it is proof of who you really are.You don’t judge others but you overdo the “acceptance” bit. So, you tolerate even those who show no respect for boundaries.You cannot stand anyone suffering or being in pain. You are constantly “rescuing people” because it is in your nature to want to see everyone happy in this world. But y…

Gayatri Mantra as Panchamukhi: Get it right or let it go

Most people do not understand the importance of chanting the Gayatri mantra because they are not aware of its power. It is only when I began to read Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba's teachings that I learned how sacred and powerful the chanting of the Gayatri mantra is.
The Vedas represent the breath of God. The Gayatri mantra is the very basis of the Vedas. Try not to undertake chanting the Gayatri mantra as a light endeavor or as a hobby. It has to be chanted with faith, discipline and purity of mind and body. Be steady with your sadhana if you want to reap the spiritual dividend associated with the Gayatri mantra  and never once hesitate once you decide to do it.
Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba said that the Gayatri Mantra is referred to as Pancha Mukhi, the Goddess with five faces that represent the five pranas or life forces. Here's more on it.


Chant the Gayatri Mantra correctly: Pause Five Times Here are some important things to keep in mind while chanting the Gayatri mantra:

1. Wh…

World Book Day: An Introvert's Perspective on Books as a Refuge

Books and bookshops have always been a part of my life. 
As a child stranded between cultures far too often, it suited me to find refuge in the world of books. I didn't know then that I was an introvert, but it was clear that my escape into the world of books was one of both necessity and protection. 
Books protected me. Back then, children of my age who considered themselves to be ''cool" would never sit next to me if I was reading a book - which is exactly the protection I wanted for myself. I wanted to be left alone.
As a habit since childhood, I carry books with me everywhere. It particularly helps when I travel - I can forget about my tensions and also get rid of strangers who try to open a conversation with me when all I want to do is escape into a book.

Books have been my best companion ever since the early years when I learned to distrust people's intentions - what they said had little to do with what they eventually did - and this continues to baffle me. But …

Say a little prayer for me in the language of love

Recently, I saw the blurb of a book which asked, "How many of you (Hindus) have seen the inside of a Muslim home and how many of you (Muslims) have seen the inside of a Hindu home?" The question provoked a spark of anger in me because I do not view relationships through the prism of caste, community or religion.

However, I understand what the distinguished writer was trying to say - we are so insulated in our ways that even when we talk about tolerance, we still don't dare step beyond the boundaries of our community, caste or religion. 

When I say this in North India, I am told, "You have only read about Partition. You haven't lost a family member or seen a tragedy unfold before your eyes - it's easy for you to talk like this." Maybe...

However, one of the many advantages of having grown up outside India and then during my teens, in Kerala, is that I never learned the social distinction between "Hindus"and "Muslims." There was never &qu…

Mahashivaratri: I'm loving it!

When I was a child, Mahashivaratri bhajans used to be conducted at home. It meant 24X7 work for my parents, especially my mother. But this is the one festival that we loved to get ready for. 
You had to prepare in advance for hosting so many people overnight. They had to be comfortable yet alert because no one who stays can be allowed to fall asleep unless they are unwell or on medication. So, if there were aunties who wanted to take a ten-minute nap, I would time it and call them exactly in ten minutes!
The joy of watching grown-ups make a fool of themselves over getting few more minutes of sleep cannot be underestimated especially when you are ten or twelve years old!
Perhaps it is those beautiful growing up years that make it difficult for me to stay away from an all-night vigil during Mahashivaratri. I can't stay away from it no matter where I am, even if the following day is a working day. This year too, I attended the Mahashivaratri bhajans at the Sai Center, Lodhi Road, and I …